The Worst Fic Ever
by LaTortueViolette
Summary: This is a spoof fic written for a character/fan pairing thread on Gaiaonline. It's not to be taken seriously.
1. In Which Dumbledore Loses His Clothes

-1 Once upon a time in the far off land of magic, there was a castle. In the castle, magic was taught. The students had fun, frolicking about through the corridors, but it wasn't all fun and games. You see, magic isn't as easy as it looks. It takes hard work. Fifth year students at the castle take strenuous tests known as O.W.L.s, while seventh year students take the ever-dreaded N.E.W.T.s. Not only do the students have to take these tests, but they also have the teachers. While most of the teachers are pleasant, some are… eeeevil. And every year, strange and evil things happen throughout the wizarding world. Why? Because plots are necessary to continue with stories! A Dark Wizard, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, aka Voldemort, set out to destroy everyone. So, the students of Hogwarts castle had to prepare themselves for the terrors which awaited them, while overcoming love, hate, and the fact that they weren't really characters.  
Our story is one of love, hate, sex, drugs, rock and roll, mushrooms, bears, and killer towels. Not too mention the bubblegum. It started when a few girls in various houses got together to discuss what they should do at Hogwarts that year. Their choices were as follows:  
Get all kinds of drunk and fuck every living person  
Dance dance dance  
Learn to speak Mermish  
Or…

Play the bagpipes.  
Needless to say, the vote was unanimous. Everyone had voted to learn to speak Mermish. So, the girls went to visit Professor McGonagall, because for some reason, she was a foreign language teacher…. And she was looking at porn on her computer. At Hogwarts. The first girl, Moonlight, said to the darling Professor, "Hey, we must learn to speak Mermish! While making references to America and using electronics in Hogwarts!"  
Professor McGonagall looked sighed. How she wished she wasn't written into a crappy fic… But nonetheless! She acquiesced and set an appointment for the girls to learn Mermish from her. Estatic, they walked to the Great Hall.  
"Dag, I'm so glad we be getting Mermish lessons from that McGonagall bitch this year!" said Silver. "I's alwayz wanted to speak Mermish!"  
"Me too! 8D" said Laocoons. "But for the sake of the plot, shall we skip all these preliminaries and go to potions instead of the Great Hall!? 8D"  
"Fo' shiz," said Violette.  
"Seconded!" said Lepusia.  
So the girls set off on their long journey to the potions classroom. However! Their journey was hindered by none other than… people! First to disturb their route was Albus Dumbledore, with his… ahem, "good friend," Gellert Grindelwald.  
"OH NO'Z!" said all the girls at once. "IT B3 T3H DARK WIZARD GRINDELWALD!"  
"Isn't he supposed to be in prison?" asked Silver.  
Dumbledore silenced the girls… he didn't want anyone to know that he'd retrieved his "good friend" from the prison. "SILEEEEEENCE! Me and Gellert gonna go have t3h s3ckz!" said Dumbledore. "Choo girlz wanna join!?"  
Then with great force, Moonlight jumped out of the group and pounced upon the escaped convict. "OMG OLDMAN SEX! JUST WHAT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED!"  
… Then we skip a scene, and the girls continue walking, with the addition of Dumbledore and Grindelwald who have taken to smoking.  
"Professor Dumbledore, have I ever told you that I loved you?" asked Moonlight.  
"Why yes. Yes you have. When you were screaming my name in that scene we skipped!" Dumbledore replied. "… NAKIED TIME!" And the old man was suddenly naked. At this, Moonlight slapped Dumbledore.  
"How can you betray me like this!? I thought you loved me!"  
"Well, Moonlight, I did, but this is a story of love and hate! Not just love! So now I hate you! Had a nice shag, though! Good day! I'll be over here with Gellerty-lert if you need me." And Dumbledore and his gay bestest friend sunk off into the shadows.  
The next person to hinder their route was none other than Remus Lupin, looking all hot and werewolfy.  
"Professor Lupin! What are you doing here? I thought chu quitted!" said Violette.  
"Well, I did. But then Professor Snape called me on his cell phone, because he missed the shagging." All the girls gasped.  
"The… shagging, Professor? But you and Snape hated each other!" said Silver.  
"… Yeah… hated… Anyway… I best be off to go pleasure the potions master. He'll get cranky if I don't." Lupin turned away, walking towards the potions room.  
However, Lepusia shouted to him as he walked away. "Oh, Professor Lupiiiiiinz! Would you like to… um… warm up before pleasuring the potions master?"  
"No, little girl, no I wouldn't. …. Wait… Yes I would!" And the fuzzy werewolf face and Lepusia went off to another skipped scene.  
When we return to our story, it is to find Lepusia in tears. As it turned out, Lupin had only been using her to find rabbits to eat. It made little to no sense, but the girls had to comfort Lepusia. Again, the girls set out on their continually long journey to the potions room.


	2. In Which Oliver Wood Becomes a Woman

-1 With hearts being broken left and right, it seemed impossible to get to the potions room. Professor Snape was going to give them all such a spankin-- take their house points away. It would be horrible! Not only would they be sore from Professor Snape and his whips and chains of sexual pleas-- no, not sexual pleasure… punishment, but they would lose their precious house points! How awful for them. They began to run down the dungeon corridor. They had to get to class on time. But just then, OhGod, their BFF Jill, fell out of the ceiling.  
"You, bitches! Why chu be in the dungeons!? We gots us to get to flying lessons! And I here the new flying teacher be hot!" said OhGod.  
"Chu mean we isn't got potions now? Dawg? … Why we be faux-gangsta now?" said Lepusia.  
"I ain't b3 knowin', but maybe we should stop 'fo' we offend someone!" Violette reasoned.  
"Good point. Shall we talk like thirteen year old girls without brains for the next few lines, then?" questioned Moonlight.  
"Aye. That we shall. … I mean… OMG YES! LOLZ!" said Silver.  
"Omg we should so go to flying lessons now, lyek, so we can learn to flyz!!!!111one" replied OhGod. "LOL and by flyz, I meanz ride t3h new flying teacher! BBQ!"  
"I have a crush on everyone," Violette added. And the girls, with the addition of their BFF Jill, OhGod, began walking out of the dungeons.  
It was a long, treacherous journey, which took a total of about two minutes. They reached the Quidditch pitch where they saw the new flying teacher, Madam Wood. … As it turns out, Madam Wood wasn't a Madam at all. In fact, he was Oliver Wood.  
"OMG OLIVEEEEEEER!" said OhGod. "Lyek, why do we callz you Madam Wood!?!11one"  
"It's a long story involving twelve raccoons, twenty gallons of fire whiskey, Snape defiling every living thing in the area, and a box of condoms. Shall we begin our flying lessons, children?" said Madam Wood.  
"… But we didn't really come here for flying lessons. Unless, of course, you'd like to have sex mid-air as opposed to on the ground?" replied OhGod.  
"… That's a lovely proposition. I think that we should have flying lessons. Everyone, stand beside your room and say 'UP!'" At Madam Wood's words, everyone stood beside a broom, with the exception of OhGod, and said "UP!" … OhGod, indeed, said "UP!" but not beside a broom. Some say Madam Wood's wood grew three times that day.  
…Anyway. Once everyone had their broom, and mounted it, they took off. Then, a skipped scene signifies that OhGod and Madam Wood had mid-air sex. When we return to the scene, everyone, was back on the ground.  
"I love you, OhGod, but I'm going to go further the pr0ntastic blob by having sex with Violette now, for the reason that I must create drama! Violette! Come! We shall have a most wonderful skip scene!" said Madam Wood.  
"I'm down." said Violette. And a skipped scene followed…

Later that day…

"Why would you steal Oliver from me, Violette!? I thought I was your BFF Jill!" said OhGod.  
"You still are my BFF Jill! But… Madam Wood is just so … well… You don't understand!"  
"You bitch!"  
"I GASP AT YOUR USE OF LANGUAGE! Now I shall slap you, you shall slap me back, and I shall run of crying! Do you agree?" retorted Violette.  
"I do! ON WITH THE SLAPPING!" OhGod replied.  
And then it occurred. Violette reeled her arm back and slapped OhGod right across the face. Then, OhGod slapped Violette back. Oh, the treachery! Violette ran off sobbing, leaving her group of friends standing in bewilderment.  
"… Why would you announce your intentions of slapping and running before you did it?" asked Silver.  
"I don't know. Violette's just crazy. We all know that," answered Lepusia. "But now, I believe, we have potions for real. Do you agree?"  
"Yes, we agree," answered Moonlight, who apparently spoke for the entire group. "To the potioooooons!"  
And the girls set off to the Potions classroom. They were back down to their original number, just different members. Who would die… I mean, run off in tears next?  
As they walked, a nearby fight was ensuing. Suddenly, a girl named Comfy was thrown at the group by none other than… Draco Malfoy.  
"You evil, evil wench! You are not comfy at all! How dare you deceive me like this!? MY FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIIIIIIS!" exclaimed Draco. Suddenly, his lover, Harry Potter, apparated onto the scene, even though you can't apparate in or out of Hogwarts grounds.  
"Draco-bunny! Why are you being so angry… schnookums?" asked Harry.  
"… I thought she was a nice comfy chair! But it turns out she's just a… a … STUPID WITCH!" Draco stuck his tongue out at Comfy, who was suddenly standing on top of Silver's head.  
"… This is just getting weird," said Silver, who was all too accustomed to people standing on her head. "Refrain from standing on my head, will you?"  
Comfy jumped down, mildly embarrassed, and muttered her apologies.  
"… Shall we just get to the next sexing, then?" asked Lepusia.  
"Yes. We shall," said OhGod. "Are you coming, Comfy?  
"As long as no one else mistakes me for a chair." Comfy did hate being mistaken for a chair. "Who get's the next sexing?"  
"I think I should, seeing that the author forgot I was still here," said Laocoons glaring at Violette.  
"Why are you staring at me!? I'm not writing this fic! … Well… I am… but… it's hard to remember how many characters I've introduced, while shoving as many ships as I can in! I'M SORRY! … Wait… Didn't I run off sobbing a bit ago?" said Violette.  
"… Yes. You did. I still hate you," said OhGod. And at this, Violette ran off sobbing again, though no one knew how she got there in the first place.  
"Anyway, as Draco and Harry are already here, I think I should get my Drarry lovens now. Any objections?" asked Laocoons.  
"Nope. None here. On to the skip scene!" said Comfy.  
So, with new found hope, Laocoons, Draco, and Harry sunk into the shadows where hot s3ckz occurred.  
When they resurfaced, it was agreed that they really all should get back to the dungeons to have potions with Snape. With the addition of OhGod, Comfy, Draco, and Harry, and the subraction of Violette, the group set off on the long, lonely, most dangerous path to the dungeons.


	3. Ebony Darkness Darkington

-1 As the group was walking for potions class, the sky suddenly darkened. How terrifying it must have been for them! Draco screamed and jumped into Harry's arms.  
"Why is it so daaaark?" cried Comfy.  
"Because when two people love each other very much, they call the stork and ask for a baby," replied Silver.  
"… That makes absolutely no sense, you twit!" Moonlight chose to be the voice of reason. "It must be so dark because of… the hurricane. Yes, that's it. A hurricane is headed straight for us. TO THE DUNGEOOOOOONS!" And the group ran into the castle and down to the dungeons. Harry had to carry Draco the entire way, because Draco was such a wimp. Everyone laughed at his lameness, and he started to cry.  
"Why must you hurt me so!?" Then Draco ran off crying. Oh no! The group had lost a member yet again!  
"Draaaaaaaacooooooooo! I love yoooooooou!" Harry glared at the group as a whole and ran after Draco. Likely, they went to have h0t man s3cks. Mmm. Tasterific.  
"… Dag, Drarry was some h0t shit," said Laocoons. "Let's go get our hot spankings from Snape."  
"… Don't you mean potions lessons?" inquired OhGod.  
"… Yes. Yes I do."  
The girls continued on their way when they were confronted by a drunken Luna Lovegood.  
"Argh, maties! I be a pirate! Arrrrrrrrgh. … Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. ARRRRRRRGH!" the drunken Ravenclaw girl said. "I shall take yer booty!"  
"… You can gladly have MY booty," said Silver.  
"Argh! And I shall make ye walk the plank, ye scurvy bilge rat… and some other piratey words!" Luna exclaimed. "We shall go have femme-slashy-piratey love now! AAAARGH!"  
And so they did. And it was good. During the skipped scene of p0rntastic blobness.  
When the scene took place again, Luna had randomly sobered up. Oh no! She had no idea where she was, or why she was there.  
"Oh, Cap'ain Luna… ILU!" exclaimed Silver.  
"… But… I'm a cheerleader!" said Luna. However, Luna was not a cheerleader. In fact, Hogwarts had no cheerleaders. She was just weird.  
"… What does that have to do with anything?" asked Silver. "… And I think you're lying to me."  
"Alas, I cannot have anymore h0t femmeslashy love with you, for it is against the cheerleader way." But just then, Luna was CHOMPED by a giant flying zebra. … She died, but was she dead for good? Probably not. Wait and see. You're so impatient.  
"… NOOOOOOOOO! CAP'AIN LUNA! I MISS YOOOUUUUU!" sobbed Silver.  
"It's ok," said Lepusia. "You'll probably get more femmeslashy love in this porntastic adventurous blob."  
"… That's true." But Silver was still disheartened. She continued on with the group, but her soul had turned black. It was charred from the loss of her one true love.  
No one noticed this change, though, for they were all to busy thinking about… the potions lesson. They walked some more down the dungeon corridor. At the rate they were going, they would all fail potions due to inability to resist hot sexy canon characters who were… very out of character. But nonetheless, they continued on their journey.  
"… I miss Madam Wood," said OhGod. "He was made of s3cks and win."  
"But… OhGod! He cheated on you with Violette!" said Comfy. "He'll just break your heart all over again!"  
"And your soul will be black, like mine," said Silver, who was suddenly wearing a black slutty school girl skirt with… um… black fishnets… and… some other black whorey stuff.  
"… What happened to you, Silver?" asked Laocoons.  
"I'm dead on the inside. I just want to listen to Good Charlotte and kill myself."  
"… Oh no! Emergency! She's turning into Ebony Darkness Darkington Patagonia Shmelzenheimer Darkness Butterfly Cake Face Mary Sue! Quick! Anti-Sue spells! All at once!"  
And all of the girls pointed their wands at Silver and said the Anti-Sue spell. However, they weren't strong enough! Oh if only they had just one more person! And Silver was getting worse by the second. She now had an iPod blasting Good Charlotte and Avril Lavigne songs. If they didn't get her help soon, she would have no hope. At that moment, Angry M, everyone's BFF Rose, appeared from no where.  
"OH NO! IT'S THE WORST CASE OF SUE-DOME EVER!" exclaimed Angry M.  
"Oh! Angry M! Thank Merlin's left testicle you've shown up! We weren't strong enough to reverse the Sue-dome! We need your help!" said Lepusia.  
"Me and my boyfriend, Draco and Harry's baby Darkness Buttercup Frogs, are going to go kill ourselves," said Silver.  
"Um… Draco and Harry don't have a baby named Darkness Buttercup Frogs…" said Comfy.  
"QUICK! ANTI-SUE SPELLS! ON THE COUNT OF THREE!" exclaimed Lepusia. "ONE!… TWO!… THREE!…"  
A blast of rainbow-colored light flew out of all the wands, and Silver reverted back to her natural self. The blackness of her soul vanished.  
"Jumpin' Crickets or some other weird exclamation!" said Silver. "I'm so glad you all saved me! I didn't want to have to change my name to Tree of Darkness Depression Vampire Pants!"  
And everyone hugged and continued on their journey to potions.


	4. Tales From Azkaban

-1 The dungeons were damp and cold. It smelled of must and hobbits, which combined to form the most interesting fragrance. However, the question could be asked, why did it smell like hobbits? They were in a completely different series and had nothing to do with Harry Potter. But alas, the dungeons smelled musty and like hobbits.  
"Ew, it smells like hobbits down here!"  
"Oh, STFU, OhGod," replied Comfy. "You don't have to be such a Debbie-downer just because Madam Wood and Violette ran off to have a hot skip-scene.  
"WHY MUST YOU HURT ME IN THIS WAY!?"  
"… OhGodicus Explodicus…" chimed in Moonlight. And OhGod's head rolled off.  
"Damnit, Moonlight! Why do you have to do that? Now we have to go to Madam Pomfrey to get OhGod's head put back on!" said Lepusia. "Snape will be so angry when we finally do get to Potions!"  
"Oh, I know," said Moonlight with anticipation--- fear. "So very angry, the potions master will be. He'll probably shackle us or something!"  
"… Do you ever have the feeling that we're in a shitty 3 a.m. HBO porn?" asked Silver.  
"… No. STFU." said Laocoons.  
So, Silver enchanted OhGod's body to float behind them, while Angry M picked up the severed head and nested it in her hair. "OhGod makes a good hair accessory, you guys."  
… And everyone just stared at Angry M. "… Yeah… let's just go," said Moonlight.  
As the girls walked along to get OhGod's head reattached, they encountered yet another one of the dreaded persons. This time, it was Sirius Black, the mass murderer.  
"Oh no! It be Sirius Black! The mass murderer!" said Angry M. Everyone else just screamed.  
"SHHHHHHH. I be Sirius Black, bitches, but I is not a mass murderah! The rat, Pettigrew tricked everyone! He be an animagus!"  
"… Why should we believe you?" asked Comfy.  
"Because I offer you my hot s3cks!" answered Sirius.  
"… Good enough for me!" And Comfy pounced on Sirius. They had some hot s3cks during a skipped scene.  
"Wow, did you learn that in Azkaban?" asked Comfy.  
"Well, there's not much to do there." Sirius was blushing. It was true. There wasn't much to do in Azkaban. Sure, the dementors were kind of evil and could suck your soul, but they could teach you some interesting sexual positions, too. Not to mention his deranged cousin, Bellatrix. Oh, how he loved her. They had hot Blackcest lovins in Azkaban. Like. The hottest kind of hot. There was Crucio involved.  
"Uh… though I'd love to let you reminisce about your sex life with dementors and your super hot amazingly awesome cousin, we really need to get OhGod to the hospital wing. Her hed fell off." Comfy motioned to the severed head perched atop Angry M's head. "But don't worry! I'll be back to have more great sex with you later!"  
"… Oh… Fine. Just use me then." Sirius transformed into a black shaggy dog and trotted off with his tail between his hindlegs.  
"… That must have been some interesting pr0ntastic blob," said Silver.  
"… Um… To the hospital wing!" Comfy replied. "We mustn't get distracted by anymore sex fiends!"  
And off to the hospital wing the group trotted. When they arrived, it was only to find that Madam Pomfrey was dead! LE GASP! A murder mystery had to ensue!  
"Oh no!" said Angry M. "I shall forever have OhGod's head atop mine now!"  
"No, no. We'll just find Hermione. She's hot and can work any kind of magic. ANY kind." Silver was sure that Hermione would be able to fix the situation. And with Hermione's ever-beautiful BRAINZ, she would surely be able to solve the MURDAH MYSTEREH, too. And possible add to the pr0ntastic blob, or so Silver hoped.  
"… Silver… Stop thinking about femmeslashyness. You femmeslashy whore." said Lepusia. "We have more important things to do! Like reattach OhGod's head."  
"… But… I want Hermione's hot femmeslashy s3cks…." whimpered Silver.  
"… Oh… ok, but only AFTER OhGod's head is reattached. We can't walk around with a Headless body forever."  
"Not to mention the fact that I want to go be punished by Snape," added Moonlight.  
"… Y'all are whack," said Laocoons.  
"Wiggedy whack?" asked Comfy.  
"No, just the regular type," replied Laocoons.  
"… Dag."  
"… Now if you're through quoting Teen Girl Squad, can we please find Hermione? I don't want OhGod's head on top of mine forever!" said Angry M.  
"And I want Hermione's hot femmeslashy s3ckz," added Silver.  
"To the bat mobile!" shoted Comfy, and a long black car came flying at them. Everyone got in carefully, after affixing OhGod's body to the top of the car, and took off at light speed to find Hermione. When they found her, she was reading a 782749972362997 page book entitled "How to Be A Crazy Ass Seductress And Score with Lots of Peoplez."  
"Hermione!" exclaimed Silver. "I'll let you score with me!"  
"Silver! OhGod!" reminded Angry M.  
Crestfallen, Silver said, "Oh yeah. Can you put OhGod's head back on her body?"  
"Hmm. It will be a very hard charm…" Hermione flipped through another book entitled "People With Severed Heads And How To Fix Them," flipped through a few pages, said "UnOhGodicus UnExplodicus," and OhGod's head was put back on her body.  
"MAH HEEEEEEEEEAD! Moonlight! I'ma kill you!" exclaimed the head of OhGod, newly reunited with her body.  
"Pssh, GTFO, n00b," was Moonlight's reply.  
"… Fine." OhGod stormed out angrily.  
"… Now can I have hot femmesex with Hermione?" asked Silver.  
"… Go for it," replied Comfy.  
"Sweeeeeeeet. So. Hermione. Sex? Now? Here?" asked Silver.  
Hermione replied, "Fo' shiz. You know how I like mah hoez." And then there was a skipped scene.  
Suddenly, Luna walked in. She saw Hermione and Silver together and was filled with RAAAAAAAGE.  
"Silvah! How could u do this 2 me!?/1/!?/11one" she asked.  
"… U be the 1 who ditched me, Luna! U said u was a cheerleadah!" Silver whimpered. She hadn't fully recovered from her short relationship with Luna. "I… IL'dU! And you betrayed me! Why should I die for you now?"  
"… I said nothing about dying…" replied Luna.  
"Um… Silvah. I thought we was 2gethah. 4eva," said Hermione. "U gonna cheat on me wif dis bitch?"  
"… I… but… I… I LOVE YOU BOTH!" and Silver ran off sobbing. OH NOEZ! Will the drama never cease? Find out in the next episode of the Worst Fic Ever!


	5. The Real Ebony Darkness Darkington

-1 "Oh no, I hope Silver doesn't start turning into Ebony again! Those Anti-Sue spells are hard!" said Comfy.  
"Yeah, srsly," replied Laocoons. "Hermione, there is a MURDAH MYSTERY that we must solve!"  
"Oh no!" exclaimed Hermione. "Who has died?"  
"Madam Pomfrey died! That's why we had to come find you," said Lepusia. "We went to Madam Pomfrey to get OhGod's head put back on, but she was DEAD!"  
"Was the Dark Mark in the sky," asked Hermione.  
"The… Dark Mark?" Angry M replied. "Well… we hadn't thought to look for a Dark Mark. WHY? Do you think t3h Death Eaters are here!?"  
"Who else would kill Madam Pomfrey?"  
And suddenly, everyone was glaring at each other! Someone killed madam Pomfrey. Was one among them a murderer?  
"Lets go to the scene of the crime," suggested Hermione.  
"We shall!" said everyone collectively. And they began on their way back to the hospital wing. And alas, on their way back, as expected, they were ambushed by sex fiendz. This time, it was Ginny Weasley, who by some odd turn of events had managed to drag the Giant Squid from the lake to… wherever it was they were.  
"… Ginny, why do you have the Giant Squid?" asked Hermione.  
"Oh, I just figured it would be a good thing to bring it into the castle in case of any… mishaps with the lake."  
"And for s3ckzings!?" asked Moonlight.  
"Yes, that too. Shall we?" replied Ginny.  
"Oh, we certainly shall!" And a glorious skipped scene followed. It was delicious.  
"Wow, Ginny! I didn't know tentacles could be so fun!" exclaimed Moonlight.  
"… Well, yes. They can be. So… what r u guise do?" asked Ginny.  
"Oh, we're just going to solve a MURDAH MYSTERY!" replied Angry M.  
"Sounds lovely. Shall we continue, then?"  
"Aye, we shall," said everyone. Collectively. Alfred.  
And so they did. The corridors were dark; d00m was impending. But still, they had to continue. For the good of Wizarding kind! It was a horrible, horrible path.  
Finally, they arrived in the Hospital Wing. And Hermione began her clue-gathering. First, she sniffed at the dead body of Madam Pomfrey.  
"Um… Hermione, what are you doing?" asked Comfy.  
"I iz sniffing for cluez!"  
"… O…. k…." Alfred said.  
Hermione continued sniffing at the dead body. She even went so far as to taste the blood that had been spilled. Weirdo.  
"Hermione! What do you think she died of!?" asked Lepusia.  
"I'm not sure," said Hermione, "but I think it may have something to do with this!" She pointed to a large sword sticking out of Madam Pomfrey's chest. "SHE HAS BEEN STABBED!"  
"Oh no," said Laocoons. "Who would have done such a thing!?"  
"Well, I'm no expert on MURDAH, but I'd say… SOME DEATH EATERS!"  
Everyone gasped. "Hermione! How you be so smart!?" asked Ginny.  
"Well, there's a Dark Mark hovering above our heads." Hermione motioned to the glittering green skull snake thingy hovering above them.  
"Hoshit! There are Death Eaters in the castle!" exclaimed Moonlight. "Whatever shall we do?"  
"Let's go to the ROOM OF REQUIREMENT!" shouted Hermione. "We will be safe there!"  
And so they set out for the Room of Requirement. However, on the way there, they were HINDERED YET AGAIN OMG LOL! Suddenly, OhGod jumped out of the… a door. She jumped out of the a door. And she tackled Moonlight, and oh, how Moonlight was tackled. She was tackled good.  
"BITCH, WHY YOU MAKE MY HEAD GO BOOM!?" shouted OhGod.  
"IT HAD TO BE DOOOOOOONE!" replied Moonlight.  
"You shall pay! Oh, how you shall pay. MOONLIGHTICUS BOLOGNACUS!" ejaculated (hehe, ejaculated) OhGod, and Moonlight turned into a giant talking bologna!  
"Ohnoez! I r bolognaz!" said Moonlight. It was a sad, sad day. And then, Alecto popped out of the floor. She was magic like that.  
"Hey guys, whatchoo do?" she asked.  
"Oh, we're just going to hide from some DEATH EATAHZ in the ROOM OF REQUIAHMENT!" said Comfy.  
"Oh no!" replied Alecto. "The Death Eatahz!?"  
"Yes, the Death Eatahz," answered Violette, who had randomly appeared. She, like Alecto, was just magic like that.  
"Damn, Violette, when did you get here?" asked Lepusia.  
"Oh, just a second ago. I got bored being an emo-pantz. And speaking of emopantz, look what I found!" And suddenly, Ebony Darkness Darkington Patagonia Shmelzenheimer Darkness Butterfly Cake Face Mary Sue was there. She had black hair with red streaks, but it was natural. And she had pale porcelain skin… And crimson eyes, and other weird stuff. And a in-depth description of her clothes goes here. "Isn't she beautiful?" Violette swooned over her find, who had taken to cutting herself while listening to Simple Plan on her iPod.  
"Um… Oughtn't you put that thing back where you found it? Won't she like… contaminate us all with Sue-ness?" asked Angry M.  
Hermione started sniffing Ebony, but then Violette slapped her. "MY EMO-PANTZ! I FOUND HER!"  
Hermione recoiled and rubbed her face. "Well, she's an authentic Sue, so I think we should be able to avoid contamination."  
"… Weren't we going to go to the ROOM OF REQUIAHMENT to hide from the DEATH EATAHZ?" Alecto inquired.  
"… Yes, yes we were. TO THE ROOOOOM!" shouted Ginny.  
However! They were hindered once again! Drat! This time it was OHNOEZ a Death Eater! A certain Lucius Malfoy, if you please.  
"Oh no!" shouted everyone. "The Death Eatahz! They know we here!"  
"Shitshit! I'm too young to die!" shouted Alecto. "Quick! I need a Horcrux!"  
Just then, a little n00b-creature ran by.  
"Avada Kedavra!" pronounced Alecto, pointing her wand at the n00b-creature. "Quick! Someone eat half of my soul!"  
"Ooo! Souls are tasty!' proclaimed Violette, and she CHOMP'D half of Alecto's soul, thus becoming a Horcrux.  
"Yooooou," exclaimed Lucius, glaring at Comfy. "You made Draco cry! He said you weren't comfy for sitting on! YOU SHALL PAY!"  
The Death Eatah pointed his wand at Comfy and shouted "CRUCIO!"  
Comfy did some screamy stuff and lay twitching on the floor.  
"OOO! Me next!" shouted Alecto. "That looks DELICIOUS!"  
"Fine, heathen. I shall Crucio you, and then we shall have t3h hot s3ckz! Agree?"  
"Yes, yes, now get on with it!" exclaimed Alecto. "I want your Unforgiveable foreplay, and your s3ckzez!"  
"CRUCIO!" shouted Lucius, his wand pointed at Alecto. And Alecto lay on the ground twitching. Miraculously, the next thing everyone knew, they had begun their journey again, Alecto considerably happier.  
THE END… FOR NOW!


	6. Have Mercy, Ceiling Cat!

-1 Before having parted from Lucius, they had gathered very valuable information from the Death Eater. After his lovely sex with Alecto, he was willing to reveal many secrets. For instance:  
1. The Death Eaters had invaded Hogwarts because they had heard that Aslan, the great Talking Lion from across the sea, was on the move.  
2. Voldemort was having an affair with a woman known as the White Witch.  
3. There was an unnamed traitor among them who had helped the Death Eaters into the school.  
For a few minutes into their journey, the girls bickered among themselves, wondering who the traitor was. Before they got too far, however, a giant, talking beaver approached them from a hidden corridor.  
"Thank goodness I've found you, children! We must get to the Room of Requirement to meat Aslan!" said the beaver.  
Violette, who was clinging to the emopantz she had found, Ebony Darkness Darkington etc. etc., said, "Who the fuck is Aslan? And has anyone noticed the giant furry thing talking to us?"  
Hermione replied, "That would be a beaver. The beaver is a mammal that can often be found in areas with a sufficient amount of wat--  
"Will you shut up?" said Laocoons. "No one asked for a lecture." Hermione got all sulky.  
"Are you an animagus?" asked the blob of balogna that was Moonlight.  
"An ani-what?" replied the Beaver. "I'm a beaver. You may call me Mr. Beaver. And we must move quickly! To the Room of Requirement, Daughters of Eve and Daughter of Squid!"  
"But Mr. Beaver," said Lepusia, "the Room of Requirement is very far away! Shan't we be attacked by Death Eaters on the way there?"  
"Worry not, young Jedi, for we shall take…," the beaver paused and whistled, summoning a giant cat, and said, "MONORAIL CAT!"  
The giant cat opened it's mouth into which everyone jumped. With a massive NOM, the monorail cat took off at full speed towards the Room of Requirement.  
When they arrived at the Room of Requirement, it was to find that it had become a great forest with a random lamp post in the middle of it.  
"What is this foolery?" asked Alecto.  
Just then, two of their friends who had arrived previously walked out from behind trees. The girls' names were Stargem and Cookies. You see, people in this magical world had no sense about naming their children. Seriously.  
"Aslan is waiting for you!" said Stargem.  
"We must fight Voldemort! It is Aslan's will, it is," added Cookies.  
"Double-you the Tea Eff is an Aslan?" asked Violette.  
"You will soon know, Earth-Child," said Mr. Beaver, pointing to the skyish ceiling of the Room of Requirement.  
All the girls and the squid looked to where the beaver had pointed. In the sky, they saw a tear where a cat's head was popping out. Both the hole and the cat's head appeared to grow larger every second. Suddenly, with a great leap, the cat jumped out of it's hole, shook it's head, and spouted a large mane around it's neck, transforming itself into a lion.  
"ASLAAAAAAAN!" Violette screamed and abandoned the Mary-Sue she had been clinging to, who momentarily began cutting herself again, to pounce the lion. "You and Ceiling Cat are the same?"  
"Indeed, Daughter of Eve! I am the Ceiling Cat Aslan! Now! Which among you is the traitor?" asked the lion. The blob of bologna known as Moonlight raised her bologna-y hand and approached the lion.  
"I did, Ceiling Cat. The Death Eaters promised me sex if I got them into the school."  
"Ah, well," said the lion, "come to my breast and let me taste your meaty goodness and all shall be forgiven."  
Moonlight clung to the lion's liony breast. Aslan the Ceiling Cat licked her bologna-y body, and she returned to her natural form.  
"I'm not bologna anymore!" exclaimed Moonlight.  
"Indeed," replied Aslan, "but there are matters of great importance at hand. As you know, Voldemort is in Hogwarts castle. Not only is he here, but a great evil known as the White Witch has come to your world, too. You must destroy both Voldemort and the White Witch."  
"But how can we destroy them, Aslan? We're not Harry Potter!" said Angry M.  
"But I am!" said a disembodied voice. Everyone looked around, wondering who had proclaimed himself to be Harry Potter. Out of a tree jumped Harry Potter, who was dressed in drag. "You can call me Harrietta Potter!" Harry… or Harrietta, we should say, stood in front of everyone in a long, silky golden dress with the Gryffindor lion on the bosom. His hair had been magicked to be long and flowey, but he had tied it back into an elegant knot. He wore bright, hooker red lipstick, excessive blue eyeshadow, and an unflattering shade of blush. "I have come… TO SAVE THE DAY."  
Words had failed everyone at the sight of… Harrietta, and for a great while, everyone just stared. Finally, OhGod spoke. "Um… this fic… isn't it supposed to be pr0ntastic blob? Is there going to be any pr0n soon?"  
"… No," said Aslan. "The author is too damn lazy to look at the ship list. Be glad she gave you this much."  
"Well, are we going to have any more adventures in this chapter?" asked Stargem.  
"No." replied the lion.  
"But we want more advent--" started Moonlight before she was cut off by Aslan.  
"Now shut up or I'll send you all to Basement Cat. IT'S OVER. … For noooooow."


End file.
